So it's taken me about 2 weeks to blog about this cause every time I think about it I begin a sob fest.
A little over 2 weeks ago my 16 yr old, Rachel, left to Arizona on what I knew in my heart would be a life changing trip for her. Not only because it's something she's never really done or experienced, but because God's already been whispering to this mama's heart not to get to attached, because she belongs to Him and the plans He has for her are far far greater than I could have ever dreamed for her.
For some time now, I've seen God's hand working in her life. She has a heart for missions. She has a heart for the lost and hurting. It's more than that. She's passionate about it. She wants the world to know that Jesus loves them. Especially kids.
Before she left. I was talking to a friend who asked if I was ready to see her off for a week. My answer was "No. No, because I know this is going to change her for good. This is it. This is going to seal the deal and confirm everything that her heart has been feeling."
And sure enough...... It did....... and so much more.
She went and God opened her eyes to see the lost through his eyes. He opened her heart to love them with His heart. He used her hands to be His hands in a hurting world. He used her arms to be His arms and embrace and love on those He so dearly loves.
He pierced into her heart and her world and brought a new light to things He wanted her to see and only He could show her. He transformed her in ways only He could do. And now she'll never be the same.
This has been really tough. I love the Lord with all my heart, soul and everything that is in me. I trust Him and am learning every day to trust Him more and more. But I have to admit, this is different. He is not only asking me to trust in Him with MY life, which up until now I did which, yes, included my kids and all of me. But it's different. He is asking me to LET GO of what all this time I thought of as "mine", and put her in His hands and just let go and trust Him with HER life.
"She's only 16. Why would you ask me to do this now God? I mean I knew the time would come, but...I shouldn't be feeling like this til she's ready to go off to college or get married or move out....... Not now" I have asked the Lord this more than once.
And then came the answer: "I'm preparing you & teaching you, while I prepare her and teach her"
I have felt this for quite some time now. Much longer than I like to admit. And I also don't like to admit that at first I didn't listen. I didn't like it. I refused.
And God in His very so compassionate, loving, and patient way, nudged me, woke me at night, and tugged at my heart strings until I finally broke. And when I broke, He held me. He explained to me that all these years she's been "mine" because He gave her to me. To help her, to guide her, to teach her, to discipline her, to love her, to hold her, to pick her up, but most of all to be Jesus in her life and teach her that she is a child of God.
But that she belongs to Him. Just as I do. That He created her for Him. She is His precious child. I was just given the most wonderful privilege of being her mother. And I always will be her mom and her my baby girl. But she belongs to Him. And He loves her more passionately, more fiercely, more intensely, and more wildly than I could ever love. When I heard this, I knew, that His love had to be some wildly amazing and awesome supernatural love, because I never imagined anyone could love my babies more than I could.
So little by little ...sometimes hesitant, sometimes reluctantly... I have been learning to truly trust God. I have come to the place where I stand at His hands and I've placed her in them very gently, very carefully. And He is still allowing me to walk beside them and hold her hand and guide her as He holds my heart.. Until
the one day, I know I will have to let go. I will have to let go and trust and know that my Father is carrying her in His hands and she belongs to Him. Until the one day, where she won't rely on me as guide but rely completely on Him and learn to trust in Him just as I have had to.
I will always be mom and she will always be "mine". But she belongs to Him. And I have learned to accept that. I know, that although hard, I can do it. Because I know how He loves me. I know how He's carried me. I know how He would move all of heaven and earth to rescue me. I know that I am His and He is Mine. And I know who is carrying her. The same one who carries my heart.
