It's just plain insanity

Yes this is me, whining, and I have a very good reason.

I have to lose weight and it's not going well AT ALL!!

I'm frustrated, irritated, and  unmotivated

I understand what I HAVE to do. I just don't get why it's so friggin hard!

I've done it before, so why not now ?!?!?

I have realized some things about myself recently:

1).  I am definitely and emotional eater. If I'm mad or sad *Eat*, happy *Eat*, excited *Eat*, stressed *Really Eat*..... You get the picture.

2). I have no self-control when it comes to food. It's like it knows me.... I pass by and it calls to me saying " Meeliiissa, oh Meeliiiissaaa, You KNOW you want this" and I respond with a resounding

"OH YES! I DO! I DO! I Dooooo!"

3).  I will fight you if you try and snatch my food. (Yes people it's that bad) Just ask my poor hubby who has almost lost a hand and a few fingers attempting such a risky feat.

**BIG Sigh** I know it's mind over matter, I can do it if I put my mind to it, No pain -no gain...... BLAH BLAH BLAH .... 

Right now there's a chocolate glazed doughnut calling my name... it's like the alluring song of the siren drawing me in. 

Ahhhhh! OK, I need MAJOR help!!  MAJOR!

Am I hopless?? Lord, I hope not. 

Well, no I'm NOT going to get the doughnut. I really am trying.

Just needed to whine a little bit.

You're such a good listener ;-)

 

All In One Morning

Yesterday morning, in a nutshell, didn't go according to plan.
Picture this: Hubby's day off, so I decided I'd start out with a nice, yummy, b-fast for the family, followed by a nice cup of morning joe - sitting together, blissfully, on our porch swing as we watch the kids play happily in the backyard, followed by a huge family hug displaying proudly our deep love for each other.

** CUE SCREECHING RECORD COMING TO HALT**

Now picture this: I started off with what was going to be a nice b-fast for the fam. I, however, made little pieces of charcoal briquettes (formerly known as sausage patties), scrambled eggs, that according to my 4 yr old son, were "not like grandmas scambed eggs" & asked for a bowl of lucky charms instead. 
I became extremely irate when the toast I was making had already been in the toaster for, no kidding, 20 minutes! Then I realized I had forgotten to plug it in. So now I'm having to zap everyone's plates in the micro. cause "Mommy forgot to plug in the toaster" and "We all know you can't have a real b-fast without the toast mom". 
So far, NO good. 

Finally got everyone fed, and now for that cup of joe outside, right?? - WRONG. Cause before I know it, I hear a loud noise coming from the backyard. My husband decides it's time for him to start up the leaf blower and blow, not only the leaves, but every other object, off of the back porch. Puzzled as to why I am looking at him with a disgusted look on my face, He says" I thought you wanted to sit on the swing" ... "So I was cleaning off the porch" ... OK does anyone else see the wrong in that or is it just me??? So instead of explaining to him the difference between cleaning the back porch by maybe, I don't know, just SWEEPING it like a normal person. I chose to just see the positive in this, and that his intentions were indeed sweet if you really think about it. I tried not to focus on all of the "stuff" that is now laying in the yard, that I will have to pick up later & return to the porch! OK....so he gets done.....kids are armed with bubbles, bouncy balls, juice pouches, and coffee for mommy and we're off...........

10 MINUTES LATER .......... 

Everyone is running back inside hacking and coughing, coughing and hacking, and more hacking because our dear, considerate, lovely new neighbors decided to burn a GINORMOUS pile of leaves and what smelled like rubber & plastic on the edge of our creek, right by our back yard, so that the wonderful wind could blow a great, continuous, billow of smoke that proceeds to envelop us and it doesn't move on, it just hovers until we are all dying of smoke inhalation. UGH! Darn those neighbors and their smokey pile trying to sabotage my perfect day!
So now we go inside and I, feeling so bad that the kids can't play outside for a while now, bend down and scoop my 4 yr old son in my arms and he looks at me ever so lovingly, then wrinkles his little nose and says " EW! You smell like uncle Mario" and runs off holding his nose. God Bless my bro-n-law! Love him to death. But he's an avid smoker and has a permanent "smoky aroma" to him. So this is what my son meant when he wrinkled his nose and ran away, leaving me... stinky & rejected. 
Ahhhh, what a day.

So by that point I could see that my efforts, however well intentioned they may have been, were in vain. So for the remainder of the morning, after showering the "uncle mario" smell off, I decided to just crawl back into bed & surrender.The kids & Dad jump in to join me. My son happy now that his mommy "smells like perfume" gives me that hug. Followed by my huge family hug that I so, at that moment, desperately needed.



Ahhh, I guess it didn't turn out so bad after all ;-)

Distressing News

I received the most devastating news about my health. I had a feeling it wasn't going to be good. I mean, you always try & hope for the best right? But in the back of my mind I kept telling myself "You know this is not going to be good" I mean, you try to prepare yourself for it, but until you hear the words actually come out of your trusted doctors mouth, the severity doesn't really hit. 

And so I sat on the examining table in my doctors cold office. Dressed in that horrible plus size pink paper towel with a ginormous piece of a rubber band looking thingy that they somehow think is supposed to hold this piece of Bounty paper towel in place and make me feel less exposed, when every part of my upper body (& I'll give you two guesses as to which parts I'm talking about) are about to rip through this thing so that now I'm starting to feel like the incredible hulktress. So anyway, I'm sitting there, examining table, cold room, covered in shredded pink Brawny held together w/ a frayed rubber band. Enter doctor with the upsetting news .... He says five life changing words " You need to lose weight" 

*GASP* "What?!" I declared & *GASP* again. 

The room begins to spin frantically. It's like I'm in some kind of twilight zone movie. You know the one where the doc & nurses are all wearing those pig masks. Except in this episode it's ME with the pig mask. I ask if there's some oxygen they can give me or if I need to lay down on my left side or something, cause I've heard that helps when you're passing out. Of course after being a patient of my dear doctor for the last 16 yrs, he calmly tells me to sit up & stop being overly dramatic.

See, I have an ulcer. Apparently the way I've been eating and stress are the culprit of this evil little ulcer that has been causing me so much pain. 

                                                                                       So he orders me some nexium and gives me a stern lecture on my eating habits "No more mexican food" Doc says " No chocolate" Doc says. I think I started feeling dizzy again right around that point. "Reduce your stress level" Doc says (I laughed at him at that point) and of course "Lose Weight" UGH!. He says if I do these three things and not diet but "change my lifestyle" that I should be all better. So in a nut shell I'm supposed to stop eating everything that has taste or flavor & eat cardboard products, look into living on another planet with no kids or a husband or contact with the outside world, & wire my mouth shut. 

Sounds easy enough. 

Pray for me please. I'm gonna need it. 

And so begins my weight-loss, stress free journey.

How Toilet Paper Can Bring You Closer To God

Don't know why I choose to write this now, but better late then never right? :-)

Have you ever had a moment, or two, or three, where nothing seemed to be going right. If it wasn't one thing it was another, if it wasn't one person, it was several. Family, friends, money, spouse, kids, drama, job....something! The list can be endless right?! Anyway, my point is, I was having one of those MONTHS. Stress levels were high, nothing was going according to plan, nothing seemed to be going quite right and I wasn't liking it at all. Finances were tight which were making things all the more stressful for me. I'd prayed, prayed and prayed some more. I knew that God was in control. However, I remember being very moody this one particular week ("Bill" week). Frustration, stress, & bitterness had settled into my heart and I wasn't trying to hide it either. I was sick of being sick and tired. I had to go to the grocery store and took the grocery money that had been so carefully budgeted in by yours truly and when I was done and had arrived home, put up all the groceries, I needed to go the little girls room and realized very quickly that we were out of toilet paper. OUT OF TOILET PAPER! No one had told me we were out of toilet paper! No one bothered to put it on the list! & now I had not one red cent. I kid you not, not one! To go and buy any toilet paper. Needless to say I was infuriated. I remember picking up the empty plastic wrapper where the precious toilet paper once held residence and tried to rip it. When that was unsuccessful I proceeded to kick it across the bathroom floor, my foot now becoming entangled in this piece of plastic from H-E-L-L. Finally being able to free myself from this plastic trap, I sat on the floor exhausted, crying, and asking God why? "I don't even have a dime to go buy stupid toilet paper God, what's up with this?!!" I exclaimed. I got up, a little hurt with God, and thought it was probably better just to keep my mouth shut. No sooner had I got up when the phone rang and it was my mother. She needed me to take her to go run an errand. UGH! As if I didn't have enough or better things to do right?!?! I didn't let her know that though. I grabbed my keys and stomped out of my house and went to go pick her up, took her to run her couple of errands and before she got off of the car she says " Oh could you wait a second, I have a couple of things I need to give you" before I could answer and tell her I was in a hurry, which was a lie, I just wanted to get back home, crawl into bed and throw myself a pity party for the rest of the day, she was gone. She came back carrying a big Target bag. Laid it on the passenger seat of the car and said " Here you go, I bought a few extra of some things I thought you might can use" I didn't even look in the bag. Just said thank you and pulled out. Before I left the driveway to the apt complex, I decided to stop and open the bag. I sat there....not really knowing what to say or how to feel. Because in this bag was not only 2 rolls of paper towel but 2 packages of.... you guessed it.....TOILET PAPER. All at once, I felt like the blood flowed right out of my body, all the frustration, stress & bitterness was now replaced with a huge feeling of "Melissa you're such an idiot!" I felt so ungrateful. I felt like a child who had just been scolded and taught a valuable lesson and felt so horrible at the scolding, but yet through it all still felt the warm, tender love of my Father. It was all I could do on the short drive home to hold in the tears. I ran into my house, and quickly into my room, closed the door, sat on the floor holding the toilet paper and cried like a baby. See the fact was is that I had become so consumed with all the things that were not going right that I had lost focus of the things that were important. My kids were healthy, we were healthy. Yea money was tight, but the fact was we had never gone without anything. We'd prayed and God was faithful to answer.We chose to pray, trust & live in His will & He was taking care of us & EVERY need. There was food on the table, a roof over our heads, the gas tank was full....when I REALLY thought about it, there was not one need He hadn't already taken care of. Yea, there wasn't any toilet paper...but did I ask? If God had provided all the "Big" things, did I not think He was capable of providing some measly toilet paper!! Instead I threw a tantrum, when all I had to do was simply ask and trust in the One who takes care of His children. It was like a huge "DUH!" moment. You know, sure there were ways I could have come up with 3 bucks to buy some toilet paper. But you know, I'm glad I didn't. I'm glad God put me in a position where I didn't have not one cent left, and I was vulnerable, because what I learned that day was that His faithfulness goes beyond what I could ever imagine. His love for me goes beyond what my mind could ever comprehend. Even when I stray a little, have a bad week,a bad attitude, and fall into a rut. He still loves me & forgives me. He loves me so much that He doesn't take long to remind me that all of my prayers were NOT for nothing. That all of my prayers were not just for the "big" things but for EVERY thing. That all the time and energy I put into praying and trusting and living in His righteousness are not in vain, but held very dear to His heart & He never forgets them. He reminds me that even though things may seem discouraging, things are not always as they appear to be. With an attitude check and a change in heart, I was reminded that My Father God is enough. And He reminded me that God even delivers on toilet paper :-)

Thank You Jesus for my toilet paper!

There's a song that says something like "Sometimes He(God) calms the storm, saying
"Peace Be Still" He can calm anything, but sometimes He holds us close letting the wind and waves go wild. Sometimes He calms the storm, other times he calms His child"
This is SO true, and sometimes the storms are short. Sometimes they seem so long.
Some storms come because we've stirred things up (again!) & some storms come because that's life. I've learned that whether it's because we've dug the hole or life's just thrown us another obstacle in our path, God is so loving, and merciful, and gracious. As hard as it is to do, we must praise & worship through the most difficult, hopeless, darkest, most painful times in our lives. We must approach the throne room of Heaven with the most complete humility; repentance; transparency; contrition; surrending ALL of ourselves completely, holding on to absolutely nothing. The fragrance of this kind of worship is so intriguing to our Father. It's so captivating and intoxicating. He will meet us there in that secret place & in Him we will find forgiveness, mercy, undying love, deliverance, healing, restoration, rest, comfort, refuge.....
This kind of worship takes courage. Stepping out of our comfort zones, stepping out of our complacency, and into His light where everything is exposed for what it is. Having no fear because this type of worship is LIFE CHANGING worship. When we continually and daily present ourselves to Him as a living sacrifice,; uninhibited, unreserved, with total and complete humility; we can expect changes to start happening not only in our lives but within US. Our character, who we are, how we think, how we talk, how we walk....things begin to change. Why? Because that's the whole purpose.
"Tell me who your company is & I'll tell you who you are" ever heard that. Well the changes that will happen as a result to this LIFE CHANGING WORSHIP is that as you are drawing closer to the Father and entering into such intimacy with Him, you become more like Him. These changes reflect the Father's heart through you. That's Awesome!!
So if this means that some rain must fall in my life, for me to become more like my Father, and He may be reflected through me. Then I know I'm going to be OK.

So let's recap:
Worship Him with LIFE CHANGING worship
Trust in Him & the changes He's doing in you & in your life. Even though there may be pain in the offering, even though you may not understand completely now, even though it may seem like it's taking FOREVER. Uphold your attitude of praise & worship unto the Lord. Immerse yourself in His word & truth. There you will find strength, hope, and wisdom.
"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In ALL of your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path" Prov. 3:5-6
Hold onto His promise & be encouraged!

His plans for us are "good and perfect".

She Has Wings

Today the hardest thing happened to me. Reality hit, and my little girl, she's not a little girl anymore. She's officially a teenager, a young lady. Things are changing. So fast that it's a little overwhelming. What happened? Where did the time go? Cherish your little ones, cause when people say one day you will have to start to let go, they mean it. And it's the hardest thing in the world to do.
You give them roots and you strengthen their wings, because in the back of your mind you know and you want them to be ready for that moment when they begin to learn to fly on their own. You just never expect that moment to arrive so quickly.
I can handle the embarrassment of not wanting to hug in public and "No more mushy baby names mom, So not cool!"
The hardest thing,.... is when you're just not needed anymore.
I realize that's what I've been preparing her for. This day. To be her own person, make her own decisions, be confident and independent. All the lessons taught, all of my prayers, all the discipline, all the long talks, all the "girl" talks, all the laughter, all the tears, all the hugs, all the kisses, all of it...was for this day. For her. My little girl.
She has wings.

New to this blog stuff :-)

So I'm new to to this whole blogging experience. I'm a baby blogger :-)
Not quite sure how all this is supposed to work, but I'll do my best.
So please be patient as this site is "under construction" and probably will be for a while until I can figure all of this out.
Suggestions are greatly appreciated :-)
So I'll keep you updated!
See ya!